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Rabbits Revenge"

Once upon a time there was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other guts.

One day whilst arguing in the forrest, the bear lost his temper and kicked an old lamp that had been left by campers.

To their surprize a genie popped out and granted them each three wishes. The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." His wish was granted.

The Genie turned to the rabbit who said "I want a motorcycle helmet." And he got his wish.

"And for your second wish bear?" Demanded the genie, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." He got his wish.

The rabbit without delay took his second wish, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet."

"Final wish bear!" Bellowed the genie. The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." After having his wish granted he smirked at the rabbit and strutted off into the forrest.

The rabbits eyes lit up, he turned to the genie and he said, "For my last wish, I wish that bear was gay."

 

"THE DIFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN"

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

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EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $10, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

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MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

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BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

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ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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CATS
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men throw things at cats.

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FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

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SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

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MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change... but she does.

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DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man may put on shoes for weddings and funerals.

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NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

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OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

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THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Blonde Shopping"

What is the difference between a Blonde and a shopping trolley?

A shopping trolley has a mind of its own!

head and sholders

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head were in an elevator when a handsome man stepped in. After a couple of floors he leaves the elevator .

After he left the red head said "Man was he hot!" the brunette said "Yeah but he could use some head and shoulders"

The blonde thought for a while and said "How do you give a man shoulders?"

imagine..."

Q. imagine you're in a haunted house with monsters and ghosts surrounding you....how do you survive?

A. stop imaging

"smart lollies"

Q how do you confuse a blond?

A. draw a circle and tell her to sit in the corner

"Jail Break"

there are 3 women who escape form a jail. a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They see 3 potato sacks on the edge of the road, and each jumps in one to hide from the police. 2 officers see the sacks "lets check these sacks" the first one says. he kicks the redhead's sack, "Meow!" she says "nothing but a cat in this one then he kicks the brunette's, "Woof!" she says, "Nothing but a dog in this one! he kick's the blonde's sack "Po-ta-to

"why did the turkey cross the road?"

why did the turkey cross the road?

To prove he wanst chicken!

"Tampon"

How do you annoy an archaeologist?

give him a tampon and ask what period it came from

Catch a thief
the old adage that "It takes a thief to catch a thief" may indeed be true.
But these days there's a 3rd thief involved pleading the case -- the lawyer

 

3 Shots of Whiskey
A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.

Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"

The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."

The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.

Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.

The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."

 

Making Funny Faces
A kindergartener was sitting at his desk making funny faces at
anyone that would watch.

The teacher came by and saw what he was doing and said calmly,
"Billy you had better stop doing that, your face might stick
that way."

Billy stared back just as calmly and said in reply, "I guess you
learned the hard way."

 

 

Too old...
Top Signs That You're Too Old to Trick or Treat ...


10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

Witch and Cat 8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "What a scary mask!" but you're not wearing a mask!

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders


3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

and last but not least...

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

 

A Natural Blind
A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

 

 

Drunken master
A guy walks into a bar and says, "Bartender give a shot." He takes the shot then looks in his pocket. "Bartender! Give another shot!" He takes the shot then looks in his pocket." He says "Bartender give another shot." He takes the shot then looks in his pocket.

The bartender says, "Why is it that after every shot do you look in your pocket?"

"I have a picture of his wife & when she look goods, I'll go home

 

Bill Gates in Hell
Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't..."

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys."

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

 

Size matters
A man is very ashamed of his penis because of the size. He has an extremely small penis and doesn't want his girlfriend to dump him when she sees the size.
One night when he and his girlfriend are making out in a dark corner he decides he will show her. The man unzips his pants, whips out his small dick, and shoves it into her hand.
He sits there impatiently waiting to see her reaction.

His girlfriend says, "Thanks for offering, but I don't smoke."

Looking to buy a frog?

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

 

Two roaches having a discussion

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.

"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."

"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

TOILET ROBBERY

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small step ladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.

"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"

Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.

"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."

Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!"

 

Ho Ho Ho
What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green? A jolly green giant.

Seven Dwarves On A Bus

The seven dwarves were on a bus, they started to feel Sleepy so he got off.

Holy Water

How do you make Holy Water?

You boil the hell out of it!

 

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